Estrangement Issues- The Fear of Being Left

The fear of being left alone- does not sound a big thing for someone who has lived her whole life on the border of life. Right? Not really! It's not easy being there. No one likes it lonely. Firstly there is a big difference between being alone and lonely. One can be lonely without being alone and again one can be alone and not lonely at all. For the people of the first kind the biggest fear is being left alone.

We try our best to fit in, often too hard. It is difficult being different and not knowing how you are different. All my life I have tried to fit in. All my desperate attempts have usually failed miserably. Over the years I did make some friends but all my life I have been scared of losing them.

Relationships are a bit more complex to comprehend. Often times we have such severe estrangement issues that we cling on to abusive relationships, just out of the fear of being lonely. Personally breakups have always been a nightmare for me. I have always dreaded the relationship pink slip. Most of the times I have spent tears for relationships, which I myself knew very well, had no future. Still I was terrified of being single.

Years down the dating road, I am now happily married to the love of my life, who is an extremely caring and understanding man. But estrangement issues are hard to fight. I still apologize for mistakes that are not mine! I get almost terrified when things go wrong. It is difficult functioning with the crippling fear that he might 'leave' me any moment and I'll be all alone. Estrangement issues are now coupled with extreme dependence issues. I am still to figure out to be more secure.

Self Image

For me the most difficult question is, "Who are you?". I know what the question actually means. I have already hit the panic button! But I try to take the easy way out and  start off with a pseudo-confidence a verbal recitation of my CV. But when forced to address the 'real' question usually I go along the lines of "Umm..I am...Yeah..Actually..I am more of..kinda like"...accompanied by nervous scratching and fidgeting.

This has often made me ponder who am I. Self help shit have suggested that I stand in front of a mirror and say something like you are blah blah blah... But whenever I face a mirror all that I see is an ugly useless woman! How can I answer who am I!

I know who I am...a failure. I have never won a prize (except for some merit certificates and other geeky stuff in school), never dared to approach the stage, neither dared to participate in anything. I have never been one of the popular girls ever.

'Love yourself' is another crap that I have heard time and again. But probably it is not easy to love a fat, ugly walrus-lookalike! Whenever I look at a mirror an ugly, failure stares back at me. So loving yourself is not that easy after all!

*ends with a sarcastic smile


For those who want to see the fat and ugly author, here is me, no make up, fresh out of the pool

And here is a snap of me with the wonderful man who understands me like no one ever can!

The pain is creeping back

This semester has been a very bad time for me. It has brought too many changes for me to accept and that triggered a big negative reaction in me. The unexplained pains are returning. My right hand feels almost paralysed with excruciating pain and I can barely write. My head is bursting and soon the pain will move down my spinal cord. It has already started. The last time this happened was during my ISC exams. I had to be injected with painkillers to be able to write my exams. I hope it does not get that bad this time. My last doctor just prescribed me a couple of anti depressants.

BTW my medications have increased more than double. I am also taking Propranolol 40mg for the PTSD. I was pretty stable for sometime. I just hope this is nothing but the exam pressure. I wish to get over with it as soon as possible

I can literally feel the pain move down my neck. I need to lie down. I have not been taking clonazepam so that I could study till late night and this is showing effect now. I musts sleep tonight. I must sleep well. I am scared. I feel lucky that at least my husband understands or at least tries his best to understand my problem. I am scared that one day he will get impatient too. This fear is very crippling

My New Year Wish

It's that time of the year again. Party freaks are returning home, some regretting the bad decisions made last night in the haze of free booze. Newspapers are full of pictures of who wore what and which trends are 'hot' this winter. But all that glitters is not platinum, not even silver for the fact.

The most difficult question for me is what do I wish for the new year. As I muse over this question I realise that it cannot be put down in a single facebook status or a tweet. This new year began with the death of a sixteen year old gangrape victim and probably this is not the only bad news of the first day of 2014. So here is what I want this new year to bring

Let's start with the macrocosm. I want a greener and safer planet where baby seals are not killed or baby elephants are not separated from their mothers. When nature is ravaged, she does strike back and she strikes real bad. So I want people to respect nature and not take her for granted.

Now let us come back to the world. I want a world where children can be safe. I want a world free of sexual crimes. No woman, child or man should have to face the trauma of being violated. I want all the rapists and paedophiles behind the bars.

I want a world where people, irrespective of their orientation, can love without fear. Everyone should be able to tie the knot with their special one. I want the people to open their minds and not judge people for who they love

I want DRASTIC improvement in the area of mental health, especially for children, in all countries of the world. The world needs more infrastructure dedicated to mental health. It is terrible to see all the harassment that families of mentally ill patients have to face to get their loved ones a proper treatment. It's heartbreaking to see people not getting correct diagnosis for years. It is terrifying to see little children suffering and not getting proper care. I want more people to come forward and make an effort to understand us. Mental illness should no longer bear the stigma, which it still does!

I know these changes will not come in a year but we should strive towards making the world a "better place/ For you and for me/ And the entire human race"

With this new year I send a little prayer to every person suffering from mental illnesses. And finally I wish happiness and proper care for Jani, Bodhi, Briana and every little child at the mercy of their mind.

Remembering all those souls we lost this year...May they rest in peace