It's been a long time since I have written anything creative or written at all! I feel this numbness down my mind englusfing my body, bursting out in sharp spells of pain which I can hardly describe. A disinterested observer might think of me as an extremely lazy person. I cannot deny that I am not a very competitive and get-it girl but I am not lazy. My mind hardly lets me do anything these days. I am afraid soon I might end up being the Mad Woman in the Attic!
My house is a big mess. Clothes, books, utensils are scattered all over the place. Nothing is where it should be. I know I have never been a Monica or a Sheldon* but now every single day is a struggle, a struggle between me and me. Irrespective of what I achieve in the end I am torn apart every single day, every single moment. Every morning I wake and and feel disgusted with myself when I see the mess. But when it comes to cleaning up I do not have the energy to do anything. I hate myself for it. Honestly every morning I wish to go back to bed and not wake up. There are spells of energetic attempts to straighten everything out but these spells are too short and too rare.
Now let's come to my life. I am about to complete my masters. I want to study more. I want to got to a new place and start afresh. But again my mind hardly churns up brilliant ideas! Even if it does I don't know how to put them in words. I am scared that even if I get a job, I'll probably never be able to get along with my colleagues or I'll not be able to perform. I seriously wish I had an answer to why it takes such an effort to do every single little everyday task that the others accomplish with ease. Am I stunted or what? Even dressing up seems a job to me. There have been times when I ALMOST got up and thought about going to the university. By the way this too is a HUGE job for me. My friends are absolutely nice. We do have fun but I am never 100% there. If I actually manage to reach college, my mind always like 30% with friends, and 70% elsewhere. It seems like a big effort to meet people and smile and be social. At times I wish to lock myself in a house with nothing but an internet connection and some food maybe.
Even when I am attending a class, my mind wanders off and sadly I do not produce a piece of art or literature. Unlike in the past I can't write and can hardly draw. I feel like I am tied to a wheel of forceful existence. I am gradually losing touch with reality and life and I do not even have a world of my own to fall back on. My inner core is all numb and dead.
*Monica( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monica_Geller) and Sheldon ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper) are characters from the popular shows, The F.R.I.E.N.D.S and The Big Bang Theory respectively who are obsessed with cleaning and order.
My house is a big mess. Clothes, books, utensils are scattered all over the place. Nothing is where it should be. I know I have never been a Monica or a Sheldon* but now every single day is a struggle, a struggle between me and me. Irrespective of what I achieve in the end I am torn apart every single day, every single moment. Every morning I wake and and feel disgusted with myself when I see the mess. But when it comes to cleaning up I do not have the energy to do anything. I hate myself for it. Honestly every morning I wish to go back to bed and not wake up. There are spells of energetic attempts to straighten everything out but these spells are too short and too rare.
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| F.R.I.E.N.D.S: The one with the Dirty Girl(s4e6) |
Now let's come to my life. I am about to complete my masters. I want to study more. I want to got to a new place and start afresh. But again my mind hardly churns up brilliant ideas! Even if it does I don't know how to put them in words. I am scared that even if I get a job, I'll probably never be able to get along with my colleagues or I'll not be able to perform. I seriously wish I had an answer to why it takes such an effort to do every single little everyday task that the others accomplish with ease. Am I stunted or what? Even dressing up seems a job to me. There have been times when I ALMOST got up and thought about going to the university. By the way this too is a HUGE job for me. My friends are absolutely nice. We do have fun but I am never 100% there. If I actually manage to reach college, my mind always like 30% with friends, and 70% elsewhere. It seems like a big effort to meet people and smile and be social. At times I wish to lock myself in a house with nothing but an internet connection and some food maybe.
Even when I am attending a class, my mind wanders off and sadly I do not produce a piece of art or literature. Unlike in the past I can't write and can hardly draw. I feel like I am tied to a wheel of forceful existence. I am gradually losing touch with reality and life and I do not even have a world of my own to fall back on. My inner core is all numb and dead.
*Monica( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monica_Geller) and Sheldon ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper) are characters from the popular shows, The F.R.I.E.N.D.S and The Big Bang Theory respectively who are obsessed with cleaning and order.
